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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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First off, I’m an accountant. Yeah, I know, super exciting, right? But I love numbers. They don’t lie. Unlike people. Anyway, I grab my coffee from this cute little café on Trg svobode. Best coffee in town, no cap. I’m sippin’ my cappuccino, and boom! My phone buzzes. It’s my boss. Ugh. He’s like, “We need those reports ASAP!” Like, dude, I just sat down!

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